You Can’t Change Them – But You Can Change This

We’ve all heard it: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. It’s a saying that’s stuck around for good reason - because when it comes to adult learning and personal growth, it really hits home.

In my work with leaders and teams, this theme gets tabled a lot. Many of them already know what the real issue is.

Sometimes, it’s not what the problem is, but who. And while they’re eager to fix the situation, the truth is... you can’t fix people.

That can be a hard pill to swallow.

Here’s the thing: people get to decide how they show up. You can set clear expectations, explain needs, and put healthy boundaries in place—but at the end of the day, how someone else acts is up to them.

When I teach emotional intelligence (EQ), someone in the room inevitably says they’re hoping to learn how to “deal with” a difficult person. It could be a co-worker, a boss, a partner, a parent, or even a grown child. And while I do offer tools and strategies, they aren’t about changing the other person. 

They’re about helping you show up as your best self, advocate for your needs and stay grounded.

First we figure out where things are at, then consider what needs to change and how that can be communicated.

Once your side is clear, it’s up to the other person. They can choose to respond—or not. If they don’t step up, then you get to decide what happens next. That might mean stepping back, letting go, or changing how you interact.

It’s not always easy. It rarely is. But it is worth it.

Everyone deserves to feel respected and supported. Setting boundaries and managing reactions can lead to better days, healthier relationships, and less stress.

You can’t change them. But you can change how you respond. That’s where the power lives.